TwiDuck
by x.Jenni.x
Summary: This is a twilight sketch not a story. Its a comedy take on twilight from a ducks pov. Some bits are funny but I get carried away with crap at time lol. ;S Twiduck rocks so dont diss ; Lol
1. Not So Perfect Beginnings

**TwiDuck**

This Story is just a comedy take on Twilight and don't take it all seriously and send reviews complaining how rubbish the storyline is because I don't care xD Lol it's just a sketch J

**Chapter 1 ~**

Twilight from a duck point of view~

Hi, I'm Quacky, the Twiduck! This is twilight from a ducks point of view. And let me tell you this its not as lovey dovey as they make out!

Lets start at the very beginning, a very good place to start J Yes, I was there when Bella first left Florida and moved to Forks. I was flying over the very aeroplane that took her there. Actually I have a bit of a confession to make about that. You know that shit on the window? Yeh, well sorry but that was me. Well when you got to go you really got to go. I got caught short. Yes it happens to us ducks to!

Anyways back to the story… I met up with Bella again on the first day of school. Hey did you see the film? Well look closely at the top left of the screen. Yes, you've guessed it… It's Me! My big break, I'm sure I'll get talent scouted by some big producer soon. Hollywood here I come J

Well, I followed Bella to her Biology lesson and watched in from the window. Lucky fucker she was only sat next to Edward Cullen. The Edward Cullen! You know the one, tall dark and handsome. Basically the hottie. Oh my god if only I was human…

You could see the look on Edward's face though

"WTF… Why do I have to sit next to her!" he was thinking. Oh yes he tries to pretend that's not what he's thinking with all the 'her blood smells so sweet I can't resist' rubbish. I know what you were really thinking… I got you sussed Edward Cullen.

The rest of that lesson was boring. Bella feeling sorry for herself because her only friend was Mike Newton. Well you can't really blame the girl then. She finally left school and headed home. That damn truck so slow…

Hey did you know that Bella has a pet cactus? I'm not sure if it mentions it in Stephanie Meyer's account of what happened but in the movie it shows it once. I think this isn't fair on that poor cactus so I'm going to make it known in my story. I shall call it Cacty. Bella does actually rely on that cactus loads. When she came home from her first day she started reciting Romeo & Juliet to it. She was Juliet and Cacty was Romeo.

Bella poor deluded girl didn't realise that Cactuses can't speak cried her eyes out when he didn't reply. Well that was the end of their beautiful relationship. I told them it would all end in tears.

Well moving on in Bella's story. She's been through the loss of her one true love Cacty, she has been rejected by the biggest hottie in school and her only friend is the biggest looser in school. Things aren't looking to good for Bella right now. Surprised she didn't turn emo.

But no Bella fights on till finally Edward starts talking to her. After a hunting trip (well at least that's what he's calling it more like a trip to the physiatrist) he finally plucks up the courage and says hello. I will write out now what he said to Bella and what he actually meant.

Edward said: Hello

_Edward meant: Gawd I'm going to have to talk to you…_

Edward Said: I didn't have chance to introduce myself last week.

_Edward meant: I was to scared to talk to you last but after a long chat with the physiatrist I know have the courage._

Edward Said: Ladies first partner, or I could start if you wish?

_Edward Meant: I want you to go first but please don't kill me if you don't want to_

Edward said: Forks must be a difficult place for you to live

_Edward Meant: This is my town not your, bugger off!_

Well I hope your more clear on what Edward was really like at the beginning of their relationship now J Read on to find out what really happened later on…

Your Sincerely xD

Quacky, The Twiduck


	2. The Tyler Incident

**Chapter 2- What really happened when Tyler nearly knocked Bella Down**

Its a few days later and we're back at school for Bella's first near death experience. I saw it all you know. It all started when I was just going for a dip in the pond at the local park. No, I haven't been snapped up for Hollywood yet. Anyway I saw Bella driving to school in her truck so I thought I would hang with her. Just to see what happens…

No there's something I need to tell you. Tyler's truck didn't just skid on the ice. He had thousands resting on him killing Bella. Yes' you've guessed it. Edward employed him as a hit man. But the day before the near death Edward was talking to Emmett. I listening in of course so let me enlighten you…

"Hey Edward bro!" called Emmett

"Hello Emmett" replied Edward

"What's up?"

"Nothing… Yet." Smiled Edward.

"What do you mean yet?"

"Well be here at 9am tomorrow morning. I've only arranged Tyler to be here as a hit man" He's going to kill Bella for me… I would of done it myself if she didn't scare me shitless."

"Holy crap! You idiot you won't be able to resist once you smell Bella's blood. You'll give away are secret of what we really are!"

"Oh yeh. Shit didn't think of that." Edward said suddenly realising his plan was impossible.

"You have to call of the hit man!" urge red Emmett dead dramatically like.

"It's cool. I'll just ring Tyler." smirked Edward.

So that's what he did. Well what he was going to do…

"He isn't picking up!" said Edward sounding tense now.

"Edward you moron!"

"It's fine time for plan B."

"What's plan B?"

"I'll just save her tomorrow. Yeah and it will make me look like Mr Action-Man as well!"

"Oh, ok great idea! Loving your style bro." smiled Emmett.

So that's how we've got here. To Edward waiting in the car park to save Bella. To Bella walking out innocently across the parking lot. To Tyler shitting himself in his truck round the corner. And of course to me sat on the roof enjoying the show.

Now you all know what happened next. Tyler came crashing around corner, nearly killed Bella but Edward shot in at the speed of light and saved her. Well if you didn't know that go and read the Twilight book by Stephanie Meyer. Geez what you even doing here?

Now later in the hospital Edward caught up with Tyler. This is how that went…

"Oi, Edward!" Shouted Tyler.

"Oh crap…" Edward whispered to himself but turned around and greeted Tyler.

"What the hell you playing at! Saving Bella, man have you lost it?"

"No, I just saw sense. I couldn't have Bella killed then. Not in front of me."

"So why didn't you tell me? You could have called it of! But no you let me look like a right idiot. I can't even knock Bella Swan down properly!"

"I tried to ring you; your cell phone was switched off." Edward relied calmly.

"Oh yeah crap. Forgot about that… Why does the battery always go at the most inconvenient times? But what about my truck… There's a big dent in it."

"Oh you can buff that out." Smiled Edward. "Now if you excuse me I have to go and act concerned near Bella. I hope she doesn't think I like her now." he sighed.

Well I hope you know feel a little more informed about what really happened then.

Till Next Time,

Quacky, Your Twiduck!

P.S. If there are anymore scenes that you want to here the truth behind just ask in the review ;)


	3. Edward Saves Bella Again

**Chapter 3- Edward Saves Bella… Again! **

It's me, I'm back again. This time I'm not alone. Azduck is here to tell you about the things that I missed.

"Hi, Azduck!"

"Alright"

"So what do you know that we don't?"

"Umm, well…"

"Yes?"

"Absolutely nothing, I just wanted to make an appearance xD"

"Great, just great. Well it appears folks that we're going to have to get by with what I know because Azduck can't help us this time."

"Sorry guys"

"It's cool Azduck, why don't you go and watch Button Moon whilst I get on with telling the good readers what really happened."

"Cool, I love that show. Cya!"

Well I'm really sorry about that but now back on to the story. Bella has gone of to Port Angeles to help Jessica and Angela buy prom dresses. Of course she doesn't need one because she has no friends so no-one to go with. Only Mike Newton has offered but even Bella wouldn't stoop so low.

So Bella has go bored looking at dresses because it just reminds her that she's just a loner. So she goes off to find a bookshop on her own… like you do. So you know how it goes, she gets to the shop, buys her book (probably a porn book or something) but it's when she's heading back home to the restaurant to meet up with her "friends" that it gets interesting. Well only because she could have died…

****************************************************************************************

At the other side of town Edward is sat in his car thinking about what to do about Bella. The useless waste of space he was thinking. No good at anything, he couldn't even read her thoughts! She was just sp frustrating. But suddenly it comes to him. You see sometimes, just sometimes Edward can be sort of clever… ish.

He was a vampire and he couldn't see one good reason that he shouldn't use his power of being able to drink blood against Bella. He knew he was suppose to be a vegetarian vampire but one little human wouldn't count would it? Especially when it was someone as insignificant as Bella Swan! So he had made up his mind. He was going to suck her blood. =) And he got all happy slappy about it as well. He couldn't wait to suck her blood, just to see what human blood tasted like. Yeah, it would be a laugh he told himself.

But suddenly he could here a gang of men's thoughts really clearly. They were planning on murdering someone. A stupid looking, teenage girl. It must be Bella! Noo! He thought how dare they try and steal my victim. He saw her first anyway. So he broke out the heavy foot and soared across town to rescue her. Well I say rescue her more like stop her from getting killed by those idiots and at least get to do it himself. He was speeding along the roads at 100mph. And I'm not even exaggerating, I'm a pretty fit duck but even I had trouble keeping up with him.

When he caught up with Bella he acted like the big, brave muscle man in front of the gang. And of cause he is… Anyway I was up on a rooftop watching. He strides out of him car (well he nearly tripped up on a crisp packet on the floor but still) then walks right up to the gang (well he stayed at a safe distance) and demanded them to let Bella go (he even said please!) Of cause they let Bella go at once and ran away leaving Edward and Bella in the car to have a pleasant chat… In the books it is totally different to what it was actually like. I should know I was there.

But you will never find out what really happened. Well not yet anyway, you will soon when I tell all you eager Twiduck fans (and yes I know there are loadsss of you) so watch this space to find out… And let me tell you this there are a few surprises to come.

Best Wishes =D

Quacky your Twiduck

And Azduck :D


	4. In The Car :S

**Chapter 4- In The Car :S**

_Twiduck Signs In_

Hey,

It's me Twiduck back again to give you more of what really happened. So where are we? Oh yeah in the car… Now I've decided to write a whole chapter on this scene even though it's only a couple of pages in the book because… Well because I wanted to and I like the big suspense. Anyway the book is wrong anyway it was much longer than that. Now on with the story.

Now if you have just read the last chapter you will know why Edward just saved Bella but there a revelation occurring… Now like on chapter 1 what Edward says is in normal text and what Edward is thinking is in italic. xD

"Are you alright?" Bella asks Edward.

"No." he replies.

_Wow, she is actually bothered if I'm alright? She was the one who was nearly killed._

"Bella? Are you alright?"

_I suppose I should ask her as she was nearly killed,_

"Yes" she replied.

_Wow, she's being brave and telling me she's ok when she ha got goose bumps and is shivering. She is clearly really scared…_

"Distract me please."

_I'm going to make myself change my mind if I don't stop thinking about her. Hurry up Bella and distract me._

"I'm going to run over Tyler tomorrow before school." She says

_Wow she thinks like me. When I wanted to kill someone my first thought was to run them over. We're alike! Maybe she isn't so bad after all._

Then Edward asked why but I'm not going to repeat Bella's response because Edward wasn't listening anyway. He was to busy thinking about Bella.

_I think I'll give her a go. Maybe she isn't that bad, I can't believe I was ever that desperate to kill her. Note to self~ remember to sack my physiatrist she just makes me into some kind of physco mad man!_

"Are you better?" Asked Bella?

"Not really." replied Edward.

_I'm still so undecided. What should I do? Just stay friends? Well at least I know I'm not going to kill her right now anyway._

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"I have problems with my temper sometimes."

_Boy, I got that on right. I was going to kill her for fucks sake! I got to get my head sorted out._

"Oh," she replied

_Was that it she didn't have anything better to say? Well I better start the conversation up._

"You look nice tonight." he smiled.

_Omfg, I'm such an idiot. Why did I say that!_

"Sorry, I shouldn't of said that." he suddenly says.

"What! You mean you think I don't look nice?" Bella says sounding slightly angry. Calm down Bella lol xD

_Oops, I shouldn't of said that either. I'm such an idiot. Calm down Edward. Calm down… _

"No, I just mean… Doesn't matter."

_Why do I always forget what I was going to say when I open my big mouth!_

"Ok Edward." She replied.

_Omg, now she thinks I'm a looser. I'll show her._

"I'm not a looser you know!" he says out of no-where.

_Now I look like an even bigger looser._

"Ok, I know." she smiled. She was obviously amused by Edward lack of anything decent to say whilst around her. Why did I ever fancy Edward? I'm glad I'm a duck now because he's so not my type.

"Angela and Jess will be worried I was supposed to be meeting them." Bella says trying to get to leave Edward because he was freaking her out.

"Oh." Edward said and pulled over.

"What are you doing?" asked Bella. She really wanted to get rid of Edward now.

"Taking you for dinner." he smiled.

_Yes, ok stay calm Edward. If you make it through this dinner time without making her think you're a looser then you could be ok. I know I'll impress her with my mind reading abilities. Yeah, that'll do._

"Oh, ok." Bella said walking into the restaurant.

Now can you believe the cheek of this! There is a no animals allowed sign on the door of that restaurant and when I looked on the menu they served duck for dinner! I was out of there so we will never know what happened in that restaurant as I wasn't prepared to be Bella's lunch!

Wishing you the best =D

Twiduck


	5. A Random Day

**Chapter 5- **

- Twiduck walks on doing his showbiz walk-

One showbiz duck, 24 not so identical sealed chapters and no questions except one- Is that really what happened?

Lmao. Welcome to chapter 5 of Twiduck. Now deciding what to tell you about in this chapter was a difficult decision. So much to choose from so little time to choose. But finally I decided…

**Some Random Day A Bit Later On**

Yes that was very dramatic wasn't it? xD Anyway in more detail it's someday where Edward decides to pick Bella up for school. That's very nice of him isn't it :D

Well it all starts back of at Edward's house. I was just having a kip in there garden. You should see the size of that place! I nearly got lost finding the pond! Well I heard Edward come out of the house and into his car. I decided to go follow him after what happened last night I had become very interested in this little love story to be. I bet you're glad was now.

So he gets in his car and looks across to the passenger seat. And lying across it is Bella's jacket.

"Oh yeah." He thought to himself. "Had forgotten about that. Man I'm dumb for a vampire we're meant to have photographic memories for centuries and I can't even remember last night! It's like having a hangover as a human all over again." He sighed and headed to Bella's house.

I caught a lift on the top of his car too as I didn't want to fly as fast I had to last night. That was a big mistake though. As soon as he put his foot down I nearly flew of the back of roof and into the wheels of an oncoming lorry. It was a close call … I COULD OF DIED YOU KNOW! You would be feeling a lot more sympathetic if I had of died and you would never know what really happened for the rest of the story. Yeah, that wiped the smile of your face didn't it?

Okay, enough of me more of the story. (Even though I like talking about myself and could talk about myself all day I will resist) He arrived at Bella's house pretty early and just waited around on the drive until Bella came out. She saw me on the roof of his car and that was the first thing he told Edward.

"Hey Edward." she said. "You know you have a duck on your roof?" She must have felt like a right idiot.

"Oh, I do? That damn thing!" _The cheek of it! Calling me that! _"It's been following me around I swear." he told Bella. Omg, he's onto me! He thinks I'm some kind of pervert stalker! Crap :(

"Oh ok." said Bella sounding confused. Well wouldn't you be?

"I brought you your jacket!" said Edward trying to change the conversation.

"Oh thanks I guess." replied Bella. Geez Edward you really think just bringing a girl her jacket is going to win her heart? You got a lot of learning to do my brovva xD.

Well as Bella got in the car I braced myself for some pretty speeding driving and he didn't disappoint! He sped through the street like there was no tomorrow. I remember being thrown over the windscreen just enough that I could see poor Bella's face. Poor girl thought she was going to die by the look on her face. I cracked myself up about it but anyway. I'm a very sympathetic duck.

So we arrived at school and the day was just like any other. I watched in from the windows. You get to pick up pretty good gossip when you're around there. Ok listen to this. I was sat there outside their Biology lesson (I know I spend like half my life sat around outside that class) anyways this I get really bored, and I mean really bored so I start talking to myself right. No don't give me that look dear reader. You can't say you have never started talking to yourself in your boredom (even if it's just in your head). Well so there I was practicing my Oscar exception speech when all of a sudden a millions sets of eyes are on me. And I look through the window and there is a dweebish (Yes that's my new word) boy pointing at me and claiming me to be some kind of talking duck. I have to think on my feet at that moment because if I have a class full of people knowing I'm a talking duck I wouldn't last long. So I start quacking don't I.I had to sit there looking like a right proper idiot quacking my head off to stop myself from being rumbled. Of course it works and everyone thinks the dweeb is an even bigger freak now (of course it was f**king Mike Newton). But it was quite funny actually because they were all giving him weird looks. But when I look at Edward he is giving me the evils. Can he read duck minds? Oh crap if he can… Sorry dear readers just had a thought there. Can he read my bloody mind? Sorry readers, sorry I should get back on with the story and have a crisis some other time. Ok I'll do that. Crisis for later and story for now. Sorted :)

But anyways Bella and Edward are sat next to each other in that lesson and they were getting quite close. Laughing at each other and cracking gags like there is no tomorrow. Let me tell you this dear reader I am bothered. I really am. Now I know this little chapter of the story was mainly pointless but I really have to go now. I shall update my recall of events in the next few hours hopefully or maybe it might need to push for tomorrow but whenever it is it will still be rocking

Because yes dear reader I do totally kick ass =D Right so I'm going now that was a little update to say I hadn't forgotten about you dear readers (I really have to stop saying dear reader don't I) So this is me Twiduck signing out.

Lots of love (dear readers)

Twiduck

P.S- I'll come back and haunt you :) lol


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